As If: Variations on a theme by Rudyard Kipling

Rudyard Kipling (1865–1936) was one of the last great authors of the Victorian Age. His novels Kim and The Jungle Book remain ensconced in the canon of western literature. But it’s his poem “If—” from 1911 that high school teachers read to their graduating seniors every year before marching them off to the beat of “Pomp and Circumstance”.

I remember then, at the tender age 17, being touched by Kipling’s call to live a life of virtue and integrity. But revisiting the poem later, I was stuck by its sentimentality and naiveté. I decided the old verse was overdue for a reworking, and here’s what I came up with.

As if

If you can bear the brunt of a thousand callous elbows
And hold your ground among a throng of hungry fellows
If you can stand the stench of liars who rise above you
And keep your thoughts on the one or two who love you
If you can bend over backwards with stress and tension
Or stand up tall with undivided attention
Or lean from right to left with ease
And not just wiggle in the breeze

If you can sense your tragic flaw and give yourself a laugh
Or lift a shining kernel from a crusty stack of chaff
If you can chase the spirit of wanting that burns a man’s heart
And loosen the desire before it tears your soul apart
If you can drink from both cups of joy and sorrow
Or wait for now and drink tomorrow
Or see that coins are all two-sided
And know your fate is not decided

If you can take a page of Kipling and follow every letter
Or find your heroes’ faults and do their deeds one better
If you can stand alone and know that you’re right
And surrender your words for good works in plain sight
If you can bite your tongue and accept it with grace
Or let your thoughts go drifting in space
Or focus your mind on everything pleasant
And know that forever survives in the present

If you can forgive the crimes of those who write the rules
And let go of the past and the pranks and prep schools
Without forgetting what you stand for and why
And never believing it’s useless to try
If you can do what you can to steer clear of strife
And act with respect toward all forms of life
You’ll be the pillar, and carved out of wood
And — what’s more — you’ll be misunderstood

Fred Hornaday is a traveling poet who writes regularly as the King of Limericks.